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One of the greatest mysteries of human existence can be succinctly summarized as such: Which one of you mother fuckers ate the last of my Wheat Thins?! Seriously, I had to venture into Walmart to purchase it– and have you seen the people of Walmart? God knows that I would rather stare down a Weeping Angel than see another white-trash angel stamped on the doughy lower-back of some slut named Ralph. I suspect Evan because of how many times I’ve ravaged his pantry when we were younger. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Because warm Wheat Thins are just kinda weird.
But since that’s a mystery that’s difficult to solve (owning up is too onerous for us on the Disorder), maybe I’ll just focus on a simpler mystery: What separates humans from animals. I know that philosophers have struggled for eons to grasp what makes us “special,” but it can really be aptly described in two words: Wheat Thins. I’ve never seen another animal manage to accrue the necessary land and capital, reap enough wheat, cultivate all other expedients, and develop the necessary drug contacts to sprinkle just the perfect amount of meth to make it deliciously addictive. This makes all other creatures subservient. Only once they’ve perfected this process will I consider them my equals.
Since we have a long history of subjugating animals for morally dubious purposes, we have certain paradigms and idols that we look up to. Most of them are military men who rode great beasts into glorious battle. Hannibal had his elephants. Genghis Khan had his horses. Jim, his fleet of rabid squirrels. (Don’t laugh. You’ve never known true terror until you’ve looked into the evil intent in their shifty eyes). Since five and half metric tons of Savannah furry, thousands of callous hooves, or millions of malignant little bastards aren’t apparently enough to sate man’s ego, we also see fictional characters riding even more ludicrously awesome animals. Mario rides a prehistoric throwback with an indescribable indifference towards death. Optimus Prime made headlines riding his own steam-punk tyrannosaur– making paleontology fans squeal (proudly, might I add). Gandalf has giant freaking falcons which, no, he couldn’t have just ridden all the way to fuckin’ Mordor on. Various lions, tigers, and bears have been valiantly conquered all in the sake of evidently compensating for something. These are all well and good, but someone recently asked me which animal would I choose to ride into battle. So let me introduce a creature that would make every animal simultaneously have wet dreams and nightmare diarrhea:
First off, what is a tardigrade? Why haven’t you seen it before? Why did Meagan leave you?
Well tardigrades are small unicellular organisms about a fifth of an inch long that float about in water droplets. [Edit: At the insistence of Michael, Peter has decided to amend the word “small” to “perfectly robust and adequate”]. They’ve been on this earth longer than the time between you and the extinction of the dinosaurs six times over and the reason that Meagan left you is because one up and showed her what endurance and durability really means.
Lay me lay down some hard facts for you:
- This squishy little water bear has been shown to survive just a few degrees above absolute fucking zero. Which, to put into perspective, is at least two-hundred degrees colder than the heart of your last unsuccessful lover. It’s cold. It’s almost to the point where atoms decide to straight-up stop. Hannibal’s bitch-ass elephants got themselves decimated by the paltry chill of the Alps. A herd of tardigrades would’ve asked to lower the thermostat.
- You know how we meat-bags tend to melt when we’re exposed to enough radiation. Guess who can take a dose of Alphas, Betas, and Gammas that would make the Hulk sizzle and proceed to make a sex tape with Meagan? Mother. Fucking. Tardigrades. They’ve laughed at amounts hundreds of times over the lethal limit. Just like they’d laugh at the corpses of your enemies.
- Ever want to be an astronaut millionaire cowboy? Is the only thing stopping you the fact that your noble steed would freeze into equine jerky in the vacuum of oblivion? Look no further than tardigrades. They’ve survived the vacuum of space. They’ve stared into the deepest reaches of the omnipresent cosmic darkness and waddled away without so much a care in the world. Because the fucking world could up and die and they’d still survive. Nay. They’d thrive.
- Let’s end this with a life-span comparison. Horses will live for about fifteen years, elephants for maybe seventy, and Yoshi’s for approximately 8.7 seconds before their owners send them to Hades’ embrace for the sake of a double-jump. Do you want to know how long tardigrades live for? Two. Hundred. Years. And that’s not even the upper limit. To put this in perspective, they’ve not only fucked your mother, sister, and significant other (it’s why they’ve been looking longingly at the water as it pours from the tap)– they’ve fucked your grandma, her mother, and every female relative associated with your surname roughly 15 generations further. And at least seventy percent of the males too– because it is too badass to be typecast into our prudish sexual norms. And it’s done so to everybody you’ve ever known. This is because for every one of us, there are a billion of them.
Size is an issue, sure. But assuming that we can size them up, I’ll be able to confidently corner the true miscreants of human existence. And I will ignore their pitiful pleas for mercy and quarter before asking the one question that will either deliver a agonizing death or a painless one.
“Which one of you mother fuckers ate my Wheat Thins?”
First things first, go watch our new podcast staring Peter and Myself: Irregular Conversations. Its like super funny, crazy, and has a really good sense of fashion. Its ok I’ll wait here till you get back, theres no rush, just scroll down below and hit that play button, and while your at it recommend it to everyone you come in contact with for the next two months like a rabid breaking bad fangirl (they prefer the term breakiebers).
Well Microsoft sure has been busy haven’t they. For those of you who weren’t paying attention today or actually doing something productive with your day, Microsoft just dropped a massive fucking bomb all over the internet 27 days before their own E3 Conference. The announcement basically fixed the last of their E3 fuck ups from last year by offering a new kinect-less version of the Xbox One on June 9, with a kinect stand alone coming in the fall, and with the launch of games with gold for xbox one users on top of what we already get on the 360, with a grand total of five games coming between them both next month! And as if that wasn’t enough they also announced that Xbox live gold is no longer needed for apps like HBO Go, Twitch tv, and most importantly Netflix. Holy shit.
Why is this such a big deal you may be asking, I’ll tell you why. Lets go back a little, I’ll set the scene: June 8th 2013 its the afternoon on a sunny humid Florida and sounds of children playing can be heard from the neighborhood, a wide eyed Evan is hoping Microsoft can redeem themselves after the DRM filled and overall depressing announcement of the Xbox one reveal, is sitting in his living room watching the Microsoft E3 Press conference with his friend and fellow podcast host Peter (shameless plug). Throughout the press conference Evan is saddened by things like kinect integration, stupid looking games (Ryse anyone?), and a ridiculous 499$ price point made him almost get a PS4. Enough of the third person its starting to feel a little weird. Luckily for Microsoft who’s been pretty quick about fixing this mistake in less than a years time, and is finally ready to get back in the fight with sony now after last years ass kicking spectacular.
Now when you put the two consoles together side by side things start to get a little more interesting. Both consoles now are now on even grounds in terms of price which was the biggest challenge Microsoft had to overcome and perhaps Sonys biggest advantage. They both also have similar graphics, features which begs the question: whats the difference between the two then? The answer to that question of course is the main reason why we buy these huge expensive machines in the first place and I’m not talking about Nexflix.
I’m talking about the games of course. Thats right, this years E3 is shaking up to be another violent death match between Sony and Microsoft that will be determined by the games this year and not what extra features and other stupid shit we as gamers could care less about. This E3 is perhaps the most important one yet with both consoles now with both companies ready to show us whats behind those big doors (I hope its a new car). One things for sure this is gonna be a E3 no one should miss. Places your bets now kids (Halo 2 Anniversary pretty please). One bigger question that remains from all of this is “What about the Wii U”? Thats something we’ll talk about later…
Welp, we’re back! It’s been a while, and I’m glad to see the site back up and running. Despite the fact that my profile is still not on the site, the passwords are the same-so I guess they haven’t confiscated the keys to my cubicle just yet.
Probably best to end that rant before it begins, so, without further ado, to the actual subject of the post!
I work hard.
I’m not trying to brag or anything. I’m just proud of the work I do. Much like that of a five dollar stripper, or Thomas Jefferson’s black mistress. And because of that work, I was able to buy a nintendo 3DS. An XL, to be exact, because there is always room to compensate. I wasn’t making any grand illusions to myself- I was getting it mainly to play Pokemon.
And I have.
I have spent so much of my time playing Pokemon x and I have been really enjoying it. But, ever since I started out in the first pokemon town and battled my way through eight gym leaders to the Elite Four, I’ve been stuck with this nagging thought in my head.
Pokemon could be so much better!
Let’s face it, the relatively cut and paste storyline of pokemon is getting old. You are a trainer, you have a rival (although you cannot name her in Pokemon X….what a disappointment. I really wanted the extra laugh that would come with the sentence “You defeated Saggy Naggy”), and there is some sort of evil team that wants to be giant dicks for some really stupid reason. You beat them and the continue on your journey until you beat the elite four and become a pokemon master.
Don’t get me wrong, it still works. Pokemon games are some of the best selling of all time and the ability to customize your team and battle your friends is one of the best moves a game could do. What i’m focusing on here is the plot. It’s well overdue for a change.
Consider this example:
What if, instead of trying to make the world more beautiful or something gay like that, the organization (say Team Unity for this example) is rallying against the abuses trainers commit against pokemon. The battling thing is kind of crazy when you think about it. You force pokemon, who become friends with you by forcing them into a ball, to battle each other until one of them passes out (we assume they pass out, they could very easily die).
An organization like that would bring a very different balance to the game- they are still pretentious assholes, but they actually have a point. Now every trainer is questioning their actions, and not just trainers, gym leaders too! Suddenly, gym leaders are joining the cause and arguing for a change! Through your actions, you can either convince them of the truth, that pokemon actually love fighting to the death- they’re just crazy about it, or that they are indeed right to rally against the system.
Throw a little bit of choice into an already baby RPG.
Just think of how much better Pokemon could be! I’m not saying it has to be this exactly, but for the love of God do something different! If I have to replay another pokemon game with the same story, I’m probably going to strangle someone!
-Jim (who still knows all the passwords)
So uh yeah… Control Freaks lets just forget about that one. Control Freaks was many things to us (mostly a waste of 160 dollars) but it taught us a valuable lesson to stick with what works. Anyways long story short, we back. Starting this week expect a brand new episode of The Disorder Podcast and the launch of another new podcast (because as if we couldn’t handle doing one): Irregular Conversations. And as if that wasn’t enough were actually gonna post shit on our blog, see those tabs up on the top there’s actually gonna be stuff in there now when you click. So until then try not to make it weird.
Well….this is new.
If you haven’t visited us for a while (counting myself), you’re likely to find a few things are different. For instance, my name is off of this site. I wasn’t sure if that is because of some random computer error, or if Evan found the keys to the secret control room on the back of the site that allowed me access to a hidden camera in his mom’s room. Either way, I figured that I had enough time (and all the passwords were still the same) to post my thoughts regarding the perfect time to buy the next generation console. For those of you who hate reading, I’ll skip to the end right away so that you can continue on with whatever you were doing…
NOT FOR A WHILE
There you go. Now, for those of you who are still interested i’ll lay out a few reasons that are not bogged down in specs.
1) No Backwards Compatibility
This is perhaps the biggest reason why I would suggest holding off on buying a new console for a while. Because the Xbox 1 (720) and the PS3 shun the ability to play all those shinny older games you spent your hard earned stripper money paying for, it makes needing to keep around the previous generation console necessary. In addition, a number of developers (TellTale included) plan to continue making games for the Xbox 360 well into the Xbox 1 release period.
2) Very little games out now
Both the Xbox 1 and the PS 4 show very little in terms of gaming options for all the excitement they generated. It is diffidently worth holding off a few months to allow for the production of even more games. My advice, pick a game that you really want (Titan fall…or Destiny) and wait for it to come out before you even consider buying the games.
3) The bugs
Those of you brave enough to survive the red ring wars with the Xbox 360 should be more than aware of this problem. Production is often rushed in order to release the consoles and meet demand before the holiday season. Oftentimes, this means that things get missed that should have been fixed. By waiting, you give Sony and Microsoft the time they need to develop additional software, without the hassle of searching the internet for solutions.
4) Both consoles are nothing to go crazy over
At some point, it will indeed become necessary to purchase the newer consoles. Eventually game developers will stop making games for the PS3 and the Xbox 360, and they will go the way of the original Xbox and PS2, but for now, both Sony and Microsoft have shown nothing that makes it necessary to buy the console now. Nothing screams next generation technology. The Connect thing is pretty cool for the Xbox, but it’s nothing to write home about. In addition, the ability to have a friend constantly bug you about the game he is playing is just begging to be shutoff. Sony has gone the way of the social media, and while it’s an interesting development- it is certainly not groundbreaking.
There is also something to be said about not buying these new consoles out of spite. Microsoft changed their mind so many times about what exactly the new console does that it warrants being pissed off about. As producers, Microsoft has fully ignored our advice on what exactly we wanted for a while, and holding off on purchasing the console would send them a message.
The Economic reason: The consoles are likely to be the most expensive now then they will ever be.
This issue involves price discrimination, and the theory has been around in Industrial Organization for awhile now, but the gist of it is that both Sony and Microsoft know that those who are really passionate about gaming are willing to pay a higher price in order to obtain the next generation consoles. So they can get away with charging more on the devices now, and lower the price later to attract those who can afford to wait. It’s part of the reason other Microsoft/sony products are less expensive now. By waiting, you run into a much greater chance of a price reduction. Right now, Sony and Microsoft are looking at recovering the costs of production, so they are not interested in lowering prices. Later, however, once the die hard fans have purchased the devices, they will be much more flexible to lowering their prices.
My recommendation? Wait….or buy an older console first.
For Black Friday, I was able to pick up a PS3 complete with both the Last of Us, and Batman Arkim Origins for about $200 (practically a steal). While the prices are not likely to be that low for a while, picking up another console allows those players who enjoy gaming enough time to play through exclusives that they had previously been unable to do. It will take some of the pain off waiting, and will expand your gaming horizons.
(Written by Jim…the silent contributor)